Not Your Mom’s Bad News Bears

Last night, my husband and kids gave me the parenting gold star about a thousand times, while laughing hysterically at the movie I’d picked out to celebrate the end of school.

“Should have picked The Fast and the Furious,” my husband kept teasing.

“Yeah, mom!”

Here’s what I want to know before I take my kids to a movie, play, ballet, puppet show, concert, or museum exhibit:
• What age range is going to love it?
• What age range is going to understand it?
• What age range is it appropriate for?
• Is it going to give my kids nightmares?
• Is it going to make my kids cry?
• More importantly, is it going to give me nightmares or make me cry?
• What age range(s) will it put to sleep?
• Is it worth the price of admission with kids? Is the answer different if it’s without kids?
• What new “adult” words or concepts will they pick up?
• Will I walk away happy?

Or will I find myself with more parenting gold star awards?

I do not have time to preview every movie to make sure it is something I want my children to watch. So I need to trust the reviews or the “kids” or “family” categories. I would appreciate it if Comcast and other cable companies offering On Demand included a note about language, sex, drugs and violence if they list a movie or show under Kids or Family Movie Night. I would love it if the cable companies did not preview their less appropriate non-family movies as I try to find something for my children to watch.

To celebrate yesterday’s last day of school, I told the kids I had discovered The Bad News Bears in the On Demand kids’ section, and that if they got in their pajamas in time, we could all snuggle in my bed and watch it.

“Yay, Mom!”

I saw the original version with Walter Matthau when I was a kid. Granted the movie is about a drunk ex-baseball player who ends up learning from his dysfunctional team, but it was a childhood classic. The new version is a constant stream of cuss words that ends with a kid yelling to the champions, “See ya next year, bitches!”

Thank goodness we were too busy the night before school got out. “See ya next year, bitches!”

My five year old has no filter.

My nine year old never laughed so hard. And of course, his favorite character was the most fluent. His new favorite movie? The Bad News Bears.

His summer basketball coach should be warned.

And what should I fear from the ten year old? Constant teasing. “Mom, you picked it!”