Word for Word: A Preteen Monologue

Remember when I asked about deodorant? Well, can I start using it? I really need to. It’s important. I’m a preteen now.

And now that I’m a preteen, it’s really important that girls like me.

If you could get a grade in popularity, I would want a B. Not an A. If you get an A, the girls swarm all over you. I just want one or two girls to like me. That’s a B.

You know when you are a preteen like me, you start to get hair under your arms?

I don’t get why boys’ bathrooms don’t have stalls. Especially for teenagers when they start to get embarrassed, and it’s so important to be popular.

I need to go on a diet. I am going to do ten push-ups and ten sit-ups every day from now on.

And I can’t take showers with my brothers anymore. It’s not weird, because they’re my brothers. But if my friends find out, they’ll think it’s weird. Because when you’re a preteen, you have to shower by yourself.

And if you get a C or F in popularity, other kids pick on you. That’s why I need a big dog. Just in case. Teenagers can be really mean.

So I need to start using deodorant. You can’t smell bad.

And you’ve got to be cool. But not an A if you only want one girl to like you.

The real-life monologue of my ten-year-old son after reading Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

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